Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Matt's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
6:00 pm	ANNOUNCEMENT I'm moving to here: www.mattlittle.net/blog This will probably be the last post I make on LiveJournal. Follow my exploits on my ridiculous website supposedly designed to further market myself as a maker of comical jokewords! That is, the next time I make an update. Soon. Love you. -MAL (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
1:29 pm	Worst birthday gift ideas -A box of SOS pads -Six-day-old Burger King onion rings -Fingernail clippers -Several wire coat hangers, straightened -Any bible-themed video game -Sex with an ocelot -A year of AOL dial-up service -A check for -$15.00 -5 shoes from Salvation Army, unmatching -An old birth canal -A telephone call from a cast member of Joe Millionaire 2 -Box of dandruff -MAL (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
12:35 pm	He's got his own room at the back of the bus In quite possibly the most confusing promotion ever, Greyhound is giving you a chance to ride on a Greyhound bus with Funkmaster Flex! I can't see how this is something that anyone would want to do. -Yo, it's goin' DOWN! This seat TAKEN, YO? -Uhm, no? -YEAH! Let's RIDE, YA HEARD? -Uh, Flex, can you stop yelling random words over the music you hear coming out of my headphones? It's annoying. -IT'S THE REMIX! I especially enjoy the site's Greyhound Unleashed theme song. THAT is menacing. There are supposed to be photos, but you can't see them. Not that I mind, because I think they'd just make me angry, because they're probably of some pimped-out bus, which means that Greyhound really has been holding back on the quality of the ride they give. Make no mistake, I'm poor, and can even barely afford a round-trip home, but I always tacked up the shitty ride to being "just a bus company." If they can put stripper poles and X-Boxes and cash bars in the bus, I'd definitely not complain as much. The silhouettes of people on the site look like they're having fun, which means this CAN'T be a normal bus. The only thing that anyone thinks on a bus ride is, "Man, this trip would be SO much faster if I could afford a plane ticket." Come on, Greyhound, get unleashed!!! Please. I'm sick of barely fitting in a broken, written-on, cramped-quarters seat. Ya heard? -MAL (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
2:58 pm	It's dark and sticky in there I crawled inside a comic message board poster's head today: Oh man, I CANNOT BELIEVE this simpleton with a keyboard has the utter AUDACITY to dislike something that I so throughly enjoy as "All-Star Batman and Robin, The Boy Wonder!" This troglodyte has REALLY gone too far. I've been reading this idiot's symposium for retardation for MONTHS now, only for the sheer entertainment value of how utterly backwards he is! How can he not see this book for what it is - a postmodern take on the idea of a superhero in the current cynical worldview that seems to be all the rage on VH-1? I swear, all that network is is just smarmy jerks talking about things while rolling their eyes, and I hate every second of all the hours every day that I watch it. I would be SO much better than those people on there. Why aren't I on that show yet? Okay, I need to take this guy down a few notches. I need to pwn him. I need him to know that I'm better than him and my taste is better than his. I need to convey to him that I am a better person than him and I ALWAYS WILL BE. God, he's so stupid. If I had Wolverine's claws, I'd punch his face to death. Man, I am so great. I am relieved that I am such a good person. Enough about me...okay, here we go: Message from moOr3bomB: Your a faggot. SCORE! -MAL (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 18th, 2006
5:23 pm	Congratulations! You have earned a WARRIOR name and been assigned a clan! Rippedpelt Shadowclan What's YOUR warrior cat name? Visit WWW.WARRIORCATS.COM and find out!!! -MAL (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
4:00 pm	The most awesome SPAM names to recently cross my virtual desk Here are the imaginary names that a SPAM program created to trick me in to opening their mortgage refinancing e-mails. If I had a mortgage, these tricky devils TOTALLY could have had me re-thinking my financing options. -Shivering O. Waxing -Hangouts S. Snort -Tucker Numbers -Gory R. Overstatements -Vaginal J. Properer -Reinstate Q. Pudding -Hubbard Dudley Oh technology, you have such a sense of humor! UPDATE: Just received one from a fella named Wielislaw Smythe, subject: news harpoon. Because I do enjoy my news on the end of a sharp hunting instrument. Coming soon: The Porno Sword! -MAL (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
3:41 pm	Blackout SCENE: Sidewalk, ext., day (It's Ash Wednesday. A man walks down a city sidewalk. He has an ashen cross on his forhead since he's just been to church. Coming up the same sidewalk in the opposite direction is a cockeyed pirate with a pickaxe. He stops the man, looking intently. The pirate's eyes open wide) PIRATE: Ahhr! Here it be! (The pirate takes a mighty swing of his pickaxe and buries it right in the cross on the man's forhead) LIGHTS OUT -MAL (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
10:58 pm	Avast. So the Bahamas recently ended their ad campaign/had their ad campaign ended for them in New York subways. They condoned stuff like...well, this, to try to create your very own subway Bahamas party! Hey, I can condone dangerous and stupid behavior on the subway too! See you out on the rails, subway pirates! -MAL (Comment on this)
Friday, February 10th, 2006
10:53 pm	Seems that folks turn into things that they never want So, I was speaking with the girl this evening, and I had an honest question: Do I look my age? Now, this question is not out of vanity or insecurity, but out of sheer curiosity. All my life I've never felt as I looked the age I was until later when I looked back at pictures and said "Yeah, I DEFINITELY looked my age." There was always an over/under on how old I thought I looked; when I was 13-17, I thought I looked a little older than, when I was 18-24, I thought I looked a little younger than. While this is something that I'm sure applies here, I still feel as if this is different somehow. There's no way to get around the fact that I'm losing my hair. That's been happening for years, and now it looks like my left side of my hair told my right side to go ahead up the hill before and let it know what the situation is like up there. Gaining 35 pounds and then losing it took a toll on the looks too, no doubt. However, I'm starting to see more and more people in the 25-26 age range that I automatically assume are AT LEAST 30. When I find out we're around the same age, I'm shocked. Is it that they all actually look older than they should, or is my perception so warped that I don't realize how old a 25-year-old is supposed to look? This is a rather odd age. A lot of my friends back home are getting in to all this grown-up stuff, like real estate and 401k's and stock options...I saved up for weeks to invest in Angel: Season 3. When my mother was my age, I was 1. I live in a closet with pictures of Spider-Man on my wall. Maybe I want to remain 19. An age like that allows you room for error either way, younger or older. It's a target demographic for writers and advertisers. It was also a century that brought us the steam engine and the Critique of the Gotha Program. I don't want to be one of those delusional people that try to re-capture their youth. There are lots of men and women in this city that try to act and be WAY younger than they are. Is there any sight more depressing than a 36-year-old with a perma-tan and Abercrombie striped shirt, trying to hook up with girls that are probably in the bar on a fake ID? I dunno, maybe that's the grand pursuit of life that I just haven't discovered. I don't know why I'd want girls in their early 20s when I'm older; they didn't want me when we were the same age, the only difference will be that I'm further in debt (probably). The girl said I did look my age, by the way, which I don't think is a bad thing. I don't think. Don't. Think. In the meantime, I suppose I'll be off pretending that I'm partying like it's 1999 (because, y'know, I was 19 then). -MAL (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
11:42 pm	The Saddest Music in the World ...I just watched Jay-Z, Linkin Park, and Paul McCartney perform "Yesterday" together. Did anyone else's TV throw up when that happened? -MAL (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
8:05 pm	The sound of settling You know what's dangerous? Coupons. They give you this feeling inside that you simply must use them or you will miss out on some amazing deal that, to be honest, you usually don't need. Case in point: I had coupons to Burger King today and used one that gave me this bargain: "Buy any Angus Steak Burger Value Meal, get an Angus Steak Burger free." When you actually think about it, that's not a meal; that's declaring war on your insides. That's you hating the fact that you don't have an extra six inches of cushion around your waist and/or ass. However, when you have an empty stomach and head, you think "Shit, better use this coupon before it expires!" AND THEN YOU EAT TWO FUCKING ANGUS STEAK BURGERS AND FRIES. If someone were to try to intervene on my food eating habits, this would be the third intervention, and I'd be at the point where I'd be saying "You're right, I have no excuse for my condition. I want to get well, but...listen, I have these coupons..." I'm glad drugs are illegal and food isn't. I couldn't give two shits about not being able to score a gram of Columbian nose candy, but if I had to sneak around to get a box of Ho-Hos I'd be in prison for life by now. Do you like t-shirts? Do you like t-shirts designed by me? If so, you should be very happy coming this Spring. More info soon... -MAL (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
11:14 pm	Blackout SCENE: Bedroom, Int. Evening (A MAN sits on the edge of the bed, crying silently with a gun hanging heavy in his hand. He wipes a tear away with the back of his hand, sniffles, takes a deep breath, and puts the gun to the side of his head. Just then his WIFE and MOTHER walk in the room, mid-conversation.) WOMAN: ...and that's why he just isn't very...OH GOD, SWEETIE! Wait! MAN: Don't try to stop me! This is the only way this can end! WOMAN: Uhm, yeah, but...safety first? MAN: Oh, right, duh. Thank you honey. (MAN takes gun away from his head, slides the safety off. WOMAN and MOTHER walk back out talking casually. MAN places gun back to his head.) LIGHTS OUT (GUNSHOT) -MAL (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
3:01 pm	The AWOK Valentine's Day Show is coming!!! Consider yourself warned... (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
7:40 pm	Blackout SCENE: Desert, Ext., Day (Two men, an AID WORKER and his VISITOR wander through the dusty streets of a third-world city. Ramshackle huts and destitute people line the walking path. There are children with flies on their faces and women wearing only the remnants of rags. In a word: POOR) AID WORKER: It just breaks my heart every time I walk down these streets and see the way these people live, especially when we're from an area of the world where we act like victims when we don't have a decent wireless Internet connection. VISITOR: I don't feel sorry for them. AID WORKER: Why? VISITOR: Sure these people don't have all those amenities, but that only means they haven't sold out. LIGHTS OUT -MAL (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
3:11 pm	American Dreams Hey America, would you watch a TV show I created called The Ha Ha Player One-Player Two Happy Time TV Show? Because you made it the highest rated TV show in the country in a dream I had last night. Even though it was only 12 seconds long. Thank you, America. From the bottom of my imaginary heart. -MAL (Comment on this)
Monday, January 16th, 2006
7:43 pm	Blackout SCENE: Elevator, Int., Early Evening (A man stands in the elevator by himself. It stops, and an attractive woman steps in the car. She stands beside him. They glance at each other sideways, then look forward again. The woman smiles slightly and bites her lip. She turns to the man) WOMAN: I'm sorry, I've never asked anyone this before, but would you want to do something really wild and spontaneous? MAN: Sure, as long at it doesn't involve raping and murdering me. (Woman frowns, then turns and faces forwards again.) WOMAN: Nevermind, then. LIGHTS OUT -MAL (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
3:09 pm	Things that make your day brighter when you find out your paycheck won't be coming this week (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
12:35 pm	Journalism Rocks! Apparently, Journalism now stands for "word invention." Case in point, from Yahoo News: "But when two high-profile, film-friendly authors -- James Frey and JT LeRoy -- were exposed this week for possibly conning the public about their identities and the details of their work, industryites found themselves in the uncomfortable position of answering questions about how several projects based on now-suspect books might be affected." Industryites, eh? I wonder what other Journalisters have to say about this exciting new verbiage. -MAL (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 9th, 2006
11:06 pm	Does updating your MySpace profile count as "writing?" Everyone uses their blog to talk about stuff they hate. Snark City! Here's some stuff I love instead: -Pizza -Cable TV -The Internet -The new Nada Surf album -"Infernal Affairs" -Monty Python -Cheeseburgers -Mike Birbiglia -Felicia Gilespie -The weather being unseasonably warm -Doing 20 push-ups -Kodiak bears -"Jurassic Bark" episode of "Futurama" -Patton Oswalt -a girl -The fact that I'm 25, living in a closet, sleeping on a folded-up futon, learning more about myself than ever. Do you love these things? If so, you should be my MySpace friend www.myspace.com/matt_little ATTN PSU Alum in NYC! Feb. 23 8 PM New York Improv presents Big 10 Comedy: Wisconsin & Friends featuring me. and also other people that do not use my driver's license to get in to bars. Come one, come all. And go to www.damndirtyhippie.com/blog and ask where my website is. Then you'd know all this. Tee Hee, indeed. -MAL (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
11:44 am	More Like Two Thousand SICKS Welcome to another year! Yay! Pat yourself on the back for continuing to live! You have eaten of the fruit of life and swung merrily from the vines of scraping-by-just-enough-to-survive! Breathe deep, young one, and recognize that the air that fills your lungs was earned by you the day you fell out of your mother's gavina. Drink and be content in knowing that your life is your own, unless you are an indentured servant, in which case, congratulations on getting the Internet in 1822! So many people make SO MANY resolutions. I'm no different, but I feel it's my duty to pick up the slack where others left off when the previous year ended (the past? Gawd, that's so last year!) Here's mine... In 2006 I will: -Stop not smoking. -Make war. ALL THE TIME. -Try crack. Just try, not do. -Eat more fast food. -Drop out of school. (Which will require me to enroll first, but that's a small price to pay) -Keep making resolutions! I wanted to believe that 2006 is going to be a big year for me. Then I realized that I started the year broker than ever with a big missed career opportunity, riding a bus with all my belongings in a clear plastic bag, and the most violent hangover of my life. I LITERALLY had to lay in one place for two hours with my hands at my sides and eyes closed, since every time I moved a tiny bit, I threw up. My brain felt like someone opened a small black hole in it and everything was collapsing inward. To celebrate the new year, here's a picture of my trying not to die on New Year's Day: See you at the gym! -MAL (Comment on this)